how i became an artist

it's hard to imagine now, but i wasn't very artistically inclined when i was growing up. i was actually very into math (my mom was a math teacher), english, and science. first i wanted to be a doctor, then an engineer, and then a journalist. in tenth grade i had to choose between visual arts, drama, or music. the answer was easy. i can't act at all (i SUCK at charades, never be on my team), and i'm not particularly musical (though my brother is amazingly so), so i picked art as the most tolerable option.

i took the class for a semester and i did well (to my surprise), but i wasn't passionate about it. then it came time to choose classes for grade eleven. i hadn't planned on taking art again since i had already filled my arts requirement, but i came across my teacher in the hall and she was very adamant about the importance of me continuing taking courses in the arts. so adamant that i actually immediately went and penciled in both visual arts II and photography and printmaking I into my schedule for the upcoming year.

and then suddenly i fell in love with the arts - with making, and introspection. 

i burrowed into my thoughts and let them manifest themselves for the first time through my words, paintings, and sculptures. i captured them through collages and photography.

it was exactly what i needed. i found it to be both soothing and cathartic. and it very quickly became inseparable from my life. i carried my huge sketchbook everywhere i went and over time it became an art piece in itself. in a way, my sketchbook was my only confidante. i told it things that i told no one else.

in grade twelve i considered doing an english major, but then at the last minute decided that what i really wanted was to go to OCAD to hone my skills in the arts. going there made me more disciplined, knowledgeable, technical and professional in my executions.

but since i graduated i feel as if i've left something behind.

my thesis was so important to me because everything in it was a part of me. it was nurtured by my deepest and most personal thoughts.

that is really why i create - because i hate the feeling of things left unsaid, and because words are not enough to describe an experience, a feeling, a loss.

because there are things i want to share, but i can't find any other way. 

to me, it was never supposed to be about competition, or making money, or winning awards. but somehow that started to happen anyway. 

so i am going back to my roots. i am writing and thinking and analyzing all the time. i am confiding in my sketchbook again.

so my work may change, but that's only because i have changed.