the bigger picture

There is always the bigger picture.

That something to work towards -

that something worth fighting for.

It is something I need.

For some reason I am always so close.
So close I can see the outlines of it.
So close that I start to move things around for it -
that I make decisions based on it.

And I start to consider it mine.

Now, I can make plans, but I am not the only planner.

I can want things, but when I don't get them

I have to consider that they would not have been good for me -

that they were never meant to be mine.

for whatever comes

I believe in signs - that some things are not meant to be.

I trust in them.

What point is there to fight what is not meant to be yours,

when your path is meant to be another path?

But I also believe in fighting for what you want,

in giving your all,

in just waiting and seeing.

The trait I admire most is strength -

strength of will,

and strength of character.

Because it was what I wanted for myself,

and what I always strive to have.

Because what I always ask and seek for in the end, is 
to be strong enough for whatever comes.

timing

Time is a funny thing.

It cannot be rushed
and it will not wait.

Patience is the hardest thing I've had to learn in my life.

With it, almost anything is bearable.

With it, good things come.

beautiful and devastating

I've read a lot of novels this summer. Even more so now that I've discovered I can download e-books from the Toronto Public Library too. Now my zest for reading is insatiable, and distracting. 

I came across The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and I found myself surprised to love the slow but enchanting storyline and atmospheric language. A lot of the novels that I enjoy are more straightforward, where every word makes an impact - I tend not to care for flowery, languid descriptions. The descriptions were mostly concerning the circus itself, and the acts of "magic" that took place, but the thoughts and words of the characters themselves were less descriptive and more evocative.

There was turmoil, weariness, a constant struggle - I could almost feel the words, as if I could see myself saying them, feeling their effect as if I was one of the characters. And there were a lot of passages on the idea of control and discipline, things that I value highly. Passages on how things can be both beautiful and devastating. Passages on endurance, on bindings and responsibility, on the ties that hold us together and connect us.

Erin Morgenstern did a wonderful job. Here are some excerpts:

"I have spent a great deal of my life  

struggling 

 to keep myself in control...

to know myself inside and out,

everything kept in perfect order."

"I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held.

Trying to control what cannot be controlled.

I am tired of denying myself what I want 

for fear of breaking things I cannot fix."

"Our instructors do not understand how it is - 

to be bound to someone in such a way...

it is never simple.

The other person becomes how you define your life,

how you define yourself.

They become as necessary as breathing.

Then they expect the victor to continue on without that...

they would be whole, but not complete."

"...if I could put into words everything I want to say to you.

A sea of ink would not be enough."

"I have been surrounded by love letters 

you two have built for each other for years,

encased in tents.

It reminds me of what it was to be with her.

It is wonderful and it is terrible."

"You are the greater loss, but too selfish to admit it.

You believe you could not live with the pain.

Such pain is not lived with.

It is only endured."

"Someone needs to tell their bits of overlapping narrative.

There's magic in that.

It's in the listener, and for each and every ear it will be different 

and it will affect them in ways they can never predict.

From the mundane to the profound.

You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone's soul,

becomes their blood 

and self 

and purpose.

That tale will move them and drive them.

Who knows what they might do with it because of your words...

Your sister may be able to see the future, 

but you yourself can shape it."

outlines of things

Weight has always been a problem for me -
too easy to gain, too difficult to lose.
If I don't pay attention it piles upon me.

It is not always a tangible thing,
secrets are weighty,
 so is disappointment,
so is loss.

You can feel the absence of weight,
that lightness - that spring in your step.

There are outlines of things that used to be,
and there is the weight of choices -
choices made, choices waiting to be made.

how bad do you want it?

"when you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe 

then you'll be successful... 

most of you say you want to be successful but 

you don't want it bad. 

you just kind of want it. 

you don't want it bad if you want to party. 

you don't want it as much as you want to be cool. 

most of you don't want success as much as you want sleep. 

if you want to be successful, you've got to be willing to give up sleep... 

if you go to sleep, you might miss the opportunity to be successful...

sleep is for those people who are broke. 

i don't sleep, i have the opportunity to make a dream into a reality. 

don't try to quit.

you're already in pain.

you're already hurting.

get a reward from it.

don't go to sleep until you succeed...

 

you will never be successful 

until i don't have to give you a dime to do what you do...

you won't be successful until you say 

'i don't need that money because i got it in here.'"

- "how bad do you want it?"

via thingsaboutlove

i've recently discovered stumbleupon, and it keeps giving me great links like this one. it has completely revolutionized my internet experience. i really liked this video because it makes you question your drive. success is a relative term. it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. and it changes over time. i used to think i knew what i wanted, but if you had asked me 10 years ago, 5 years ago, 1 year ago - you'd get very different and sometimes opposing responses.

are success and happiness the same thing? i don't think so. and while i am not old, i am getting older.  the last few years have allowed me to really understand myself - my habits and limitations. i am always asking, consciously and unconsciously, how much i am willing to sacrifice to get where i want to go.

coiled within

"maybe great books were 

coiled within him like springs." 

  - extremely loud and incredibly close

i continue to think about this book - because it is so eloquent, so thoughtful, and so relevant to my life at this point in time. i tend to fixate on certain ideas and i surround myself with things that remind me of them - songs, movies, novels, phrases, people - sometimes i don't want to let things go.

i like to reflect, to reminisce, to analyze things that have come to pass. everything i ever take note of, anything that you can find in my sketchbook, written or drawn, is something that has a pull to me.

recently i was asked if i ever get that itch to create. i think i answered before he finished asking me. i do. i get it all the time. and it's why, even when things are discouraging at best, that i can't bring myself to even imagine a world where i am not a maker in some way.

the quote at the beginning of this post initially reminded me very much of someone i know - but now it also reminds me of anyone who has something creative in them that is aching to be released.

if you're one of those people, i encourage you to react to that itch. the world is waiting to see the results.

moving on

i kind of hate moving onto a new sketchbook, but only because i feel as if i'm leaving ideas behind. so for a while i tend to carry around two so i can look back and continue working on ideas from the older one.

this is the first page of my book with a quote from Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet. those words sum up exactly how i like to work, and i like the reminder.

sometimes i'm messy and sometimes i'm neat. it depends on how desperately i need to get an idea out, or how long i'm fixating on it. 

i used to worry about neatness when i was in high school but i don't anymore. my sketchbook is about working out ideas and making progress. it shows how i think. it lets me know what concepts i really want to work with.

painting with enamel

i hope everyone in Canada had a great holiday long weekend! i spent mine the best way you can - with friends and family.

recently i decided to experiment with enamel painting. i tend to rely on using a sifter when applying the enamel powder - it's easier, but it's also limiting in how precise i can be with colour changes.

so instead of applying the enamel dry, i have it mixed with water in a painter's palette for the different colours i'm using. then i apply it to the piece as evenly as possible with a paintbrush. this may seem easy, but it takes FOREVER. the first one i did took a ridiculous amount of time, but the second one worked much more smoothly and quickly. 

every spare grain of enamel that moves away from where you want it to will show up once its fired, so there's a lot of touch ups that need to be done. i had a stiff neck the next day from looking down and concentrating for so long.

 

at the same time, i found the process kind of soothing. though i can only do this kind of thing if i have a long day devoted to them. i'm planning on bringing my kiln home soon so i can do this kind of thing more regularly and paint the enamel at my desk with movies playing in the background or something.

these forms are a blend of a couple of ideas and imagery i've been working on in my sketchbook. so of course they have undertones of containment and growth. i also plan to work on some 3D forms similar to these soon. 

fear of empty spaces

just showing you all some new lichen pins i was working on recently based on some hand doodles done in my sketchbook.

right now i'm very interested in the idea of space - particularly negative space and empty space. these may seem like the same thing, but they're not to me.

i learned some new terms today: horror vacui, which is Latin for fear of empty spaces, and cenophobia which is fear of the empty - who would've thought there were terms for that? but they're interesting concepts, ones that i definitely want to delve deeper into.

the useless days

"the useless days will add up to something.

the shitty waitressing jobs.
the hours writing in your journal.

the long meandering walks.

the hours reading poetry 

and story collections 

and novels 

and dead people's diaries...

these things are your becoming."

 - tiny beautiful things

there is a lot of process work involved in being a maker. it is more than just the doing - it is also the observing, the analyzing, the reading and writing - the living of life. my latest sketchbook mostly consists of writing. i've been spending a lot of time distilling my thoughts, honing in on ideas, pin pointing what it is i really want to capture. it is a process that is crucial to my work.

it is both easy and hard - it's easy in that writing introspectively is something i've been doing ever since i bought my first diary when i was 8. it's hard in that i may have ample time to be in the studio, but my idea isn't finalized - leaving me frustrated and unable to start that particular project. 

to some people it may seem like if you're not physically making something then you're not actually creating, but it's not true. jotting down wisps of ideas, being moved by films, relishing in beautiful moments - these are all part of the process.

worth fighting for

"what's the point of your existence?"

"to feel...

you've never done it, so you can never know it. 

but it's as vital as breath. 

and without it - without love, without anger, without sorrow, 

breath is just a clock...ticking."

- Equilibrium

i actually have a small obsession with dystopian novels and films. they can be so interesting,  and besides my own life, they tend to be one of my greatest inspirations. whenever i hear about a new one that's coming out i'm always determined to read or see it. 

in general, dystopias are depictions of a future society where some major element in human life is missing - literacy, security, the ability to speak freely, or love deeply. but overall, the inability to make your own choices tends to be a common thread. 

all my work centers in some way around the idea of choice - of choosing where to go, or when to stay, or what to keep inside. i like my choices to be meaningful. 

from restrictions we see what is worth living for, what is worth fighting for, and what is worth dying for. there is no other way to see it. 

(image via Matched by Ally Condie)

absence

"when i was young 

i didn't understand

but now, i know, how 

absence can be present

like a damaged nerve

like a dark bird."

- the time traveler's wife

i've been toying with the idea of how to represent a void for years now.  it's very complicated - but intangible ideas always are. after all, how can you show that something immaterial takes up space and has weight?

my thought process is not linear. i find my inspirations from countless places and times, leaving my sketchbook filled with fragmented sentences and half formulated ideas. i can dance around an idea for ages because something essential - the cincher, is missing, and until i find it, that piece won't come to life.

(image courtesy of Morgenstemning) 

there is more than this

this is definitely one of the more laborious pieces that i've done since i've graduated. i showed you all in a previous post some process shots. A LOT of sawing and enameling went on here, more than i've ever done in one piece. i really wanted this necklace done and photographed for the Outdoor Show application deadline, so every spare second i had for a few weeks was spent in the studio.

there is more than this is about both secrecy and emotional baggage using the lichen form as inspiration. in my research i found some images of a form of lichen i had never seen before and was immediately drawn to its open spaces, gentle curves, and geometric forms that were so different from the other lichens i had created. so, from first glance i found myself planning and shaping a stylized form of them in my head for my own work.

i also liked how the combined forms are both broad and encompassing as a neck piece but also revealing in their negative spaces - similar to how emotional baggage is almost tangible on the outside by its overwhelming presence in the mind. but while it may suggest the problems underneath, it gives nothing more than that.

i think one of my favourite parts is actually the shadows they cast, they're so dynamic!

"life's inside the hollow."

set the fire to the third bar

i don't normally post videos but i have to for this one.

i love this song. A LOT. and most especially this live version.

i've always liked the sense of something building to a crescendo, but what i like most here is that there's something very honest and vulnerable in this performance which is not present in the music video. it's the way they move their hands, how their voices trail off, the times they close their eyes - it evokes a feeling that i long to capture in my own work.

i keep trying to grasp that feeling, but it seems fleeting - as if i can only really understand it in that moment. 

nevertheless, i'm working around ideas in my sketchbook. things are slowly coming together, and this song keeps popping up in my mind (and my computer screen). 

ten things about me

01. i can be pretty klutzy and often find mysterious bruises i can't remember getting.

02. my sketchbook knows more about me than anyone else. 

03. i have a very strong compulsion to colour coordinate my outfits.

04. my most prized possessions are family heirlooms because they're beautiful and sentimental - two of my favourite things.

05. i love sweets but go to the gym enough that i don't feel guilty about eating them.

06. i have the most supportive family i know.

07. i enjoy my moments of solitude so i can wind down and think.

08. i can't do one thing at a time - i multi-task with all things.

09. i've gained almost all of my patience from working in jewellery and ceramics.

10. i've learned to see the silver lining.

"i want my own will

and i want simply to be with my will
as it goes toward action.
and in the silent, sometimes hardly moving times
when something is coming near
i want to be with those who know
secret things or else alone.
 
i want to unfold


...because where I am folded...i am a lie."


- Rainer Maria Rilke

bittersweet

going to school at OCAD was kind of like living in a bubble. but only in the sense that when you come in all you do and know is art/design related. i got used to the point where i would leave for school in the morning at 7 am and come back around 11pm. long days where there was no sunlight and very little news of the outside world.

i have a similar schedule now, so i heard very little news about Japan, since my news intake consists of small tidbits from CP24 while I wait for the train. 

i actually had time to sit and watch CBC last night and the images i saw were unreal.

my heart and prayers go out to the people in Japan.

i can't even really articulate what i'm feeling about what they're going through. one thing that freaks me out though, is that i live very close to a nuclear power plant myself...like 10 km away. sigh.

at the same time, hearing about this kind of thing makes me think about how blessed i am. it's very bittersweet, but most things are i guess.

on a side note, i recently learned about radiolarians and am very visually inspired by their forms. these images are making me itch to make some new jewellery pieces.

the story behind the lichens

i was looking at my last post and i realized that i don't think i've ever given an explanation on this blog for the use of lichens in my work. this is odd since they appear so frequently as of late.

in my fourth year at OCAD i had to take a jewellery concept class. we were basically introduced to different media throughout the term and then had to create work in response to them.

for one project we had to respond to Alice Munro's The Moons of Jupiter. the narrator felt a sense of shame similar to that of a mold growing over her when she compared her poor upbringing in rural Ontario to her husband's bourgeois-like background.

from this i looked at the lichen to represent the shame and their relationship since a lichen is a symbiotic organism that forms a close and long term relationship with a different biological species. because the lichens' effects are widespread and long lived they represent her baggage - her upbringing, and they are not something that can be removed. the pins i made represent how the narrator has come to terms with the differences between her husband's family and her own as well as how she will carry that baggage for as long as she lives. 

since then i've been drawn to this idea of emotional baggage - of it being tangible, far reaching and oftentimes overwhelming. but i'm simultaneously interested in the idea of resilience, of coming to terms with things, of accepting them as part of your life, wearing them openly, and moving forward in whatever way you can.

so whenever you see a new lichen piece from me that's what's on my mind.